Mommy, will you sleep with me?

Almost every night at bedtime Luke looks at me as sweetly as he can and asks, "Mommy, will you sleep with me?" Sometimes he adds, "Just for one minute. One minute! Pleeeease?" Then Caleb pipes in and asks if I can sleep with him too, after I sleep with Luke. (Meaning, will you lie down in my bed next to me, face to face, and hold my hand or scratch my back (and for Luke, hold my hair), give a couple more kisses and I-love-yous. Snuggle for 5-10 minutes, or ideally until they fall asleep.) It's incredibly cute really but depending on the day and the moment and the day ahead of me, my answer varies.

Sometimes I say no because I am done for the night. Mommy's off duty! Sometimes I say no not because I am tired of them, but because I want to spend time with Tyler. Sometimes I just want to eat ice cream. Occasionally I want to do the breakfast dishes (and lunch and dinner) or work on some project. Sometimes I really want to watch the next show we're digesting via Netflix. Sometimes Tyler thinks they should go to sleep by themselves and I follow his lead. 

Sometimes, hey, it's 8pm and I just want a shower for the day! 

Sometimes I'm about to say yes when Michael starts crying and I have to go soothe him. Sometimes I say no because I need to get things ready for a big day that starts early tomorrow.

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But sometimes I say yes! They ask me so sweetly and I can see them clearly rather than entrenched in the days' crumbs and time-outs. My love surges, and of course I say yes! 

Sometimes I say yes because I wish someone would scratch my back and hold my hand while I fall asleep (paying it forward... I will get old someday, haha!). Sometimes I say yes because I remember how wonderful it was when I'd wake up scared as a child and my mother would let me sleep in their bed. Nothing could scare me in there! Sometimes I look into the future and know that calming their fears will get much more complicated and I think holding his hand for 5 minutes is the least I can do for this boy who will soon have to be a teenager and then a man in this wild wicked world. 

Sometimes I say yes because I have said no too many times that day or no to this question the last few nights. Sometimes I say yes because I need them to hear me say I love you one more time today. Sometimes I need to look them in a whispered eye-to-eye and ask if they had a good day. Sometimes lying down at 8:00pm sounds like the best thing in the world! Sometimes I fall asleep with them until 9ish... 

Tonight I said yes because I wanted to snuggle and feel loved and safe just as muc
h as they did. And it is a lovely end to whatever kind of day we had, because I lay there and feel their little fingers and hear their small breaths slowly calm and I remember just how much I love them and how much they love and depend on me.