A New Baby. Again.

When my third child turned one I wondered, "Am I done? Do I want more kids?" When he turned two. I wondered again, "Is it over? Should I give away the baby swing, the bouncer, the baby bath tub? Will I really never be pregnant again?" On my worst days, the answer was, "I should be done!" but on my best days I was desperate to hold my own newborn baby once more. I dreamed of one more positive pregnancy test. One more gender-reveal ultrasound. One more labor and one more first kiss on a wet crying newborn, who is simultaneously fresh from my womb and fresh from heaven. On my average days, while my three big kids played happily together for hours without me, I dreamt of staring at my newborn, snuggling and swaddling and singing. I wanted to soak in every detail, just like I had with my first, when caring for him was my only job. I dreamt of reliving all the magic of the first.

My husband stared seeing the dream too, so finally, with a lot of apprehension about our ability to care for another, but also with a lot of thrill at the thought of one more gift of life, we set sail for baby number four.

When we got that positive pregnancy test, we wondered what we had done! But also so happy to get just on more magical time of newborn nirvana. I lamented when the nausea of the first trimester lresulted in extra movies and C- dinners for the three beautiful kids I already had. But also rejoiced at how walking my older kids to schoool each day cut through that nausea, at least for that hour each morning. In my third trimester, I sorrowed a little when I couldn't pick up my 3-year-old or broke the boogie-board when I tried to play with my oldest in the ocean. But then at night, during books and bedtime, our growing baby would kick and wiggle and hiccup in my belly, and all three of my big kids would watch and feel and experience the magic and holiness of pregnancy. And I rejoiced in that. I hope my seven and five year olds will always remember those sacred joyful moments.

The day my son, my number four, was born, my three other kids were with our teenage babysitter all day. I had pre-labored through the night, so by 7am I called to wake her so we could head to the hospital. I called to check in with her after checking into the hospital to let her know it wasn't a false alarm, and again after my water broke to make sure they were getting ready for their tennis lesson. I called after I got my epidural to let our babysitter know my husband wouldn't be home for bedtime, and to ask if could she put them to bed. Being in labor with my fourth was wonderful and painful and it's own big whole story, but it wasn't like being in labor with my first. With my first, we could leave the whole world behind. No responsibility was as pressing as a new baby. But when you have three other babies, you can't forget about them.

Coming home from the hospital, I worried about the cough my oldest had, the way my five-year-old loves to run and yell down the hallway, and my third's interest in baby sucking on his fingers. I felt a little torn between holding my baby for his nap, like I often did with first, and helping my big kids with their summer school work. But then there are these magical moments. When baby was about a week old, I laid with him on the floor during his tummy time. My big kids heard me talking to him and brought in their Lego creations to show their baby brother. They kissed and hugged him and played quietly around him. They sang, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him, in unison, with their sweet high little kid voices. And I rejoiced!

After nearly a year of wanting to relive the first, I realized and accepted that I never will. But also realized having a fourth is wonderful and special in its own way! He has had his own unique story and it has been a blessing and a marvelous adventure! We aren't meant to go back in time. It's all a progression, a process, a journey. Our experiences are meant to build in richness and fullness as we grow and mature. And that's why we should rejoice in the moment, because we will never have it again. But be happy for the future, and never too nostalgic for the past, because new beauty awaits and we must be ready to cherish that too.